Lately, my anxiety has been a little more active than usual. It’s a combination of spending a lot of time in front of Twitter, having a lot more downtime because both The Island and Fusion went a lot quicker than I thought, and just general unease about quitting my job in a few weeks. I kept trying to figure out how to calm myself down, from taking a Social Media Hiatus to exercising to singing. But all of the anxiety kept coming back, which meant that there was something else going on.
Disclaimer: This is my own personal self-care with my anxiety. Your mileage may vary.
I went to the beach on Friday (HAH YES IN THE MIDDLE OF OCTOBER #IloveFlorida) and meditated for a while. What I came to understand is that I have been, as usual, scared of the unknown. Worried that I’m not doing enough to secure my future. Fearful that everything is going to disappear.
I have all that I need in this moment – friends, cash, a house, and my October, February, and April releases complete(ish) – and yet it wasn’t enough. Because in the next moment, in the next year, in the next decade–all of that is unknown. I have been worried about Beginnings and The Chasm precisely because they aren’t written, even though I don’t have to begin work until November. I have plenty of savings to last me a few months, but what happens in a year when they run out? My mind wants to solve next year’s problems today.
I have no idea where I’ll be next year. Perhaps Razia will take off. Perhaps the Island will get picked up by an agent and publisher and I’ll get a lovely cash advance. Maybe I’ll meet a rich husband. Maybe (more likely) I’ll pick up on the freelancing or get a job at the coffee shop. The point is–these are not worries I have to concern myself with now.
I began to formulate a mantra to help reshape my brain patterns when the worries take over. I came up with the following:
It’s one of those really simple phrases that says so much. I do have enough for this moment, and in this moment, I am content. That is all I need to worry about right now.
Now that I’ve been meditating on this mantra for a day or so, I already feel loads better. I’m not concerned with the NEXT thing and the NEXT item, I’m simply living in this moment. Whenever that fluttering begins anew, I simply breathe in, “I have enough” and breathe out, “I am content” until it passes.