There’s nothing to fear but fear itself, but fear is pretty damned scary. This week, I’ve been sharing posts from 2015 about the things that scare me, updating them with progress for 2017. For the last post of the week, it’s time to talk about the fear of fear.
I am Afraid of Fear
Originally published May 2015
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
About a year ago, I wrote a blog post about the fear of the unknown. A control freak by nature (What? CEO of a company?), I hate the idea of not knowing where things are going. I don’t like being in limbo, and I hate not having a plan.
But what scares me even more is having a plan, and then coming face to face with executing it.
I recently completed a cross-country move, after selling my house and everything I own. I spent the past four month in limbo, having this plan that I was finally executing. And as I stared down the execution of that plan that I had thought carefully about….I was–am–petrified.
Fear What You Don’t Know
At the end of Empath, Lauren learns that fear is just an idea. The Anghenfil only has power when she allows it to, and when she firmly grounds herself in the knowledge that she is more powerful than it is, she can (spoiler alert) defeat it.
And so when it comes to the real life fears that have been plaguing me – fear of no money, missing out, intimacy, rejection, death, being alone – these are simply ideas and they can’t hurt me. For as much power as I’ve given these fears, I can also take it away.
The fear of money is unfounded because I can just get another job. But I know that I can make it in this business based on my plan. The plan is solid (if not overly optimistic) and can be adjusted as needed.
The fear of rejection is unfounded and dangerous. If I continue to believe that people will reject me before I give them a chance to, then I will miss out on a beautiful life of deep, fulfilling relationships. People will reject me when I show them my true self (fear of intimacy), but not everyone will. And those who don’t will enrich my life more than I thought possible, which will prevent me from being alone.
These fears that I have been living with for so long have been the only light in my life and I’ve been following them blindly without questioning why. And I found myself in a life that I didn’t even want and wasn’t very good for me.
But questioning these fears is as terrifying as facing the Anghenfil. But just because you fear something doesn’t make it wrong. Just because you are anxious and frightened and unable to breathe doesn’t mean that after the scary thing is over, you’ll be perfectly fine on the other side.
It’s Gonna Be Okay
Take a look at your own life and your own fears. Are the things you are afraid of dictating the decisions you make? Or are you plotting your life based on what you want out of it?
I am still afraid. Hell, this morning, I had a small panic attack when I imagined life without a steady paycheck. It’s easier to stay still and not trigger the pain, but life is infinitely less fulfilling. But I’m no longer letting fear rule my decisions, which is the first step.
I’m not yet to a point where I have my anxieties under control, but that’s okay. Life isn’t about happily ever afters. Life is about being present in the moment, getting all you want out of it, and taking each moment as it comes.
Slay Your Fears: Two Years Later
Looking back on all the progress I’ve made (or not made), the one thing I can say is that I’m definitely a different person. I’m less worried about the future, more okay with taking things as they come. I’ve learned to find acceptance in the here and now, while striving toward the end state.
Quitting my job without a viable replacement income was a HUGE leap of faith. Financially, it was a dumbass decision. Spiritually, it was absolutely the right call. It gave me the space to figure out what I wanted to do (for the moment anyway) and enjoy this one life I’ve been given. And I’ve done a great job of enjoying it, if I do say so myself.
That’s not to say there’s not panic attacks or low moods. But even with the sadness and anxiety that rears its ugly head from time to time, life is absolutely beautiful. And I’m just so frickin’ happy having the beach a short 15 minute drive away…